Last night I had a first date with a guy I’m calling Mr. STFU (Shut The Fuck Up for those who don’t know). Let me explain…
Mr. STFU and I exchanged a couple emails on POF where he insisted the site was evil and he was taking his profile down blah blah… OK so then take it down & stop your whining! After a couple sarcastic back and forth sessions he mellowed out and asked questions about me. He was beyond adorable (dark hair, gray eyes, Italian so he was tan, worked out, etc) so, I kept answering his inquiries. Eventually, after about a week of back and forth, he asked for my number. What the hell, I gave it to him. He text me a couple times, we found out we live very close to each other and decided to meet last night for drinks and dinner at a restaurant about 5 minutes from my house.
I got to the restaurant a few minutes early so I sat at the bar and ordered a drink while I waited for Mr. STFU to show up. When he got there he suggested we sit at a booth rather than the bar while we ate…OK that’s fine. AS SOON as we were seated he started talking…AND HE NEVER STOPPED!!! Unless he had food in his mouth (THANK YOU for that) he did not stop talking for even a breath in the entire 3 1/2 hours that we sat at this restaurant! Finally, when he had food in his mouth, I excused myself to the ladies room just for a few seconds of quiet! When I returned to the table, he started talking AGAIN before I could even sit down. This time I interrupted him to inform him that the restaurant was closing and we needed to leave. “Oh! Wow! We’ve been here all that time? It didn’t feel like it” Really?!
We walk out together and he asked which way I was walking so, I pointed in the direction of my house. If I were smart I would have pointed in another direction, but I just wanted to get away at that point and couldn’t think clearly with all of his yackety yacking! “Oh, I’m going in that direction too! I’ll walk with you since it’s such a nice night” FUCK ME HARD! I couldn’t get away! He walked with me all the way home! GGGRRRR!!!! I just wanted to go inside and pass out from the pure exhaustion of listening to someone speak non stop for going on 4 hours!
When we got to my door, his jaw still flapping about who even knows what at this point (and who the fuck cares), I pulled out my keys and said “Well, thanks for dinner. It was nice meeting you,” and turned to unlock my door. “Oh, um…can I use your bathroom before I head home?” Ugh! What am I gonna do? Say no? I didn’t want to be a bitch to him, not yet, because aside from the talking he actually seemed like a nice guy. Just too chatty for my tolerance. I let him come inside and use the bathroom and enjoyed the few seconds, again, of silence. I was sitting on my couch, going through my missed calls, texts, and tweets over the last few hours when he reappeared from the bathroom. Before I could say “well this has been fun but you’ve got to go” he started rambling again…I have no idea for how long because HE TALKED ME TO SLEEP! I literally passed out on my couch while he talked. And he didn’t leave! I woke up this morning in the same seated position on my couch that I fell asleep in, legs curled up under my dress, head resting on the back cushion. And he was asleep on the other side!!
“OMG..you stayed here?!” Apparently he didn’t think it was a big deal and didn’t want to wake me and didn’t want to leave with me sleeping and my door unlocked. Why? because someone else might come in and talk me to sleep??!! I told him I had a meeting at noon (lie, it was actually at 3, but whatever) and that I require lots of caffeine to wake up and get motivated (truth!) so he needed to go so I could prepare myself for my day. He left and not even 15 minutes later text me “I had a great time talking to you last night, so much fun. When can I see you again???” Ummm…how about when you learn to SHUT THE FUCK UP!