It has been so long since I’ve sat at this keyboard pouring my heart and soul out through the power of the
written typed word. It’s funny because something that used to be as basic instinct as breathing, writing now seems so foreign to me. I have been so consumed in my “forever”, and now I find my self asking, “What do you do when forever falls apart?”
In the beginning…
Anyone who has loyally followed all, or even some, or my dating shenanigans knows that when I met Mr. Sports Fan eight years ago I was not looking for a relationship. But, much to the dismay of my self-sabotaging ways, I fell so fucking hard in love that I am shocked I didn’t shatter. Well, looking back, I did shatter, just not all at once.
Looking back over the last eight years I feel like a fucking idiot for ignoring all of the red flags. As much of a serial dater and commitment-phobe as I was, deep down I really just wanted what every stray animal wants. I wanted to find my loving, forever home. Wanted passionate, take-my-breath-away, can’t-live-without-each other, movie love. I wanted the fairy tale that every stupid fucking rom-com and fairy tale promised. I wanted the kind of love I’ve never had and that I deserve. And I thought I had that, or maybe I just deluded myself into believing that I had that with Mr. Sports Fan.
Red flags? What Red flags?
You see while I was shooing all of those red flags away and ignoring every glaring sign, he was busy telling me everything I wanted to hear. Wooing me. Getting me to finally feel secure enough to let my guard down. To trust him. To love him, and then to allow that love to consume me. Then the narcissism crept in. The emotional abuse slowly and slickly slithered its way into our relationship. Blinded by “love”, I continued to push aside the red flags and blamed our “disagreements” (a.k.a epic WWIII level arguments) on my fear of commitment and trust. I soldiered on, and with each battled his words and actions hit my self-esteem, self-image and confidence like bullets from a machine gun.
But through all of it–through the lies, deceit, toxicity, and turmoil–I still clung to the idea that this was my forever person. That he was my loving, forever home. I convinced myself that love takes work. That true love and commitment takes two people who are willing to work through things and stick together no matter what. Isn’t that was Cosmo, every Nicholas Sparks novel, marriage therapists, religion, and every other “expert” tells us to believe?
So, what do you do when forever falls apart?
Six weeks ago Mr. Sports Fan went on active duty, and I got the much needed break I needed to gain some clarity. In the first few days I was so angry and hurt at the realization that what we had…this isn’t love! I have anguished over the last several weeks with honoring this commitment to this person or honoring a commitment I made to myself a long time ago to never relive my past. My heart and mind have been in constant conflict and I have trudged through every stage of grief, spending lots of time bouncing between denial, anger, pain/depression, back to anger…finally, I feel that I have begun to move toward acceptance.
I have accepted that I was in a relationship with a narcissist. I have accepted that I played a role by ignoring red flags and my own boundaries. I have accepted that this relationship is not healthy. I have accepted that it’s time to let go. I have accepted that this will not be easy and that I have to allow my self space to grieve, to love myself, and be patient with myself and this process. I have accepted that this is not love; I deserve love and respect. I have accepted that just because I opened my heart and fully loved this man and it didn’t work that does not make me “broken” or “damaged”. I have accepted that sometimes forever falls apart because it wasn’t built on a solid foundation.
I’ve accepted that I will eventually find my loving, forever home.