While participating in a chat room recently, as part of a radio show, the topic of swinging came up and whether or not swinging is just a permission slip to cheat. My answer of course is Hell No! As listeners questioned whether couples who swap partners are swingers or cheaters, I had to enter my .02 of course. Hey, I speak from experience after all!
Swinging refers to a lifestyle where couples openly, and with consent of their partner, engage in sexual activities with other people. It is not cheating! Cheating is doing someone behind your partner’s back, without their knowledge or consent, that you wouldn’t do right in front of them. Swinging is a recreational activity that couples participate in together. Do you cheat with your partner? I didn’t think so.
So, why swinging? Why the hell not?! If you are sexually adventurous and have fantasies that require more than just you and your partner, a swingers party or club is the safest place to play out those fantasies. Do you have voyeuristic fantasies that just aren’t fulfilled by watching porn together? Do you have fantasies about having sex in public? About being watched? Maybe a threesome is more your speed, or group sex of some sort? Maybe you’re curious and want to explore your bisexual fantasies. Whatever the reason, being among like minded people in a safe environment where you are free to openly explore your sexuality and desires is not sleazy and it not wrong.
I’ll admit that the first time I attended a swingers party I had no idea what to expect, but I was very excited at the possibilities that awaited me. At the time I was dating Mr. DJ and he was, as his name suggests, a DJ for this party and his friends were the hosts. While he was very vanilla and not comfortable with the lifestyle at all, I was fascinated and intrigued by all of it! The party portion of the night was just like any other party or night club scene: scantily clad women, well-dressed men, great music, bartender serving up drinks, and lots of dancing.
That first party was an eye opening experience for me because for the first time in my life I felt I was among people who weren’t judging me for being me: open-minded, sexually charged, exhibitionist. I was finally around a group of people who let me be me, let me fly my freak flag and, better yet, who shared my open-mindedness! I felt I was finally among people I could truly be myself with, without fear, without prejudice. It was amazing!
So where was all of the sex? Ah… that happens at the after-party in most cases. See, the initial “party” is typically known as a meet & greet. It’s simply a way to meet other like minded couples in a fun, relaxed atmosphere, very much the same way singles meet at a bar. The after-party is where the sexcapades begin!
Since that initial party, I’ve gone to parties as a single girl, or “unicorn” as single women are referred to in the lifestyle because it’s rare to find a single girl who swings, about as rare as finding a unicorn. As a single girl at a swingers party, the world is your oyster! You can pretty much have any couple, any guy or any girl you want at the party. I loved the power!
Now, enter Mr. Sports Fan into mi vida loca (translation: my crazy life) and I was a bit worried how he’d react to this particular freak flag in my closet. Luckily, not only was he open-minded, he admitted that he had been involved in the lifestyle himself! Perfect! But, as our “whatever this is’ status progressed into “something more” status and it became clear we were exclusive, I wasn’t sure how to integrate the two.
Why not just stay away from the swingers club, you ask? Well, how is that fair? Shouldn’t I be allowed to be 100% myself in a relationship? Being involved with swingers clubs has allowed me to explore sexual fantasies that I’ve never had the opportunity to explore. I suppressed these things most of my adult life and I didn’t want to put them back in the closet. I wanted to be free to be me. Besides, most of the couples I had met through the club were all happily married couples who were very much in love with each other and they managed to integrate the two.
After many, many discussions about comfort level, desires, fantasies and limits, Mr. Sports Fan and I came up with our own set of rules for swinging.
Rules for swinging? Yes, rules! Every couple I know in the lifestyle has their own set of rules and their own definition of what constitutes cheating. Some couples are there just to watch or be watched and that’s enough for them. Some couples are there for full-swap, meaning each person in the couple has their partner’s permission to have sex with someone else. Some couples play it by ear and discuss it on a person by person, or couple by couple basis depending on how they feel. Mr. Sports Fan and I wanted to cross all of our t’s and dot all of our i’s before attending a party together. The last thing either of us wanted was to hurt the other’s feelings or make the other uncomfortable.
So what are our rules?Well, the first rule is that I’m in charge, always! If I say no, it’s no! This plays into some of our sexual fantasies though, as he likes when I’m dominant and he’s submissive (sometimes). This rule might not be everyone’s cup of tea. The next rule is that we stay in the same room. Neither one of us goes off on their own because to us that just feels sneaky. Plus we both like watching; we’re into that kinky shit! Our third rule is that, for now, we are only permitted to engage in soft-swap— this means all sexual activity, including oral play, but excluding actual sexual intercourse. We have had a threesome with another guy (full on, sexual intercourse threesome), but it caused too many issues between us and neither one of us was happy afterwards. Some sexual fantasies should stay in fantasy land and that was one of them!
Mr. Sports Fan and I have successfully gone to parties and played with other couples and enjoy it! We love meeting new people, we are both very social and very sexually charged and we enjoy meeting like minded people.
So, when is it cheating and when is it swinging? If you are making plans to meet someone outside of your relationship and your partner has no idea, you’re planning to cheat. If you are doing something with someone else behind your partner’s back, without their knowledge or consent, you are cheating. If you are not in an open-relationship, but you’re acting like you are, you’re cheating. Swingers are not cheaters. Swingers are engaging in sexual activity with their partner’s consent, and usually with their partner present!
Swinging isn’t for everyone, and I don’t recommend everyone with unfulfilled sexual fantasies go out and join a swingers club. Swinging in the confines of a committed, trusting relationship can enhance your personal sex life and the intimacy between the two of you; you are sharing this secret world with each other that very few people, if any, are privy to. You should never force your partner into this lifestyle and you should never agree to participate if you are unsure or uncomfortable. But if both parties are willing and curious, by all means explore away!
Maybe I’ll see you at the next party 😉