It’s likely no secret that I enjoy writing. I find writing cathartic. I suffer from high anxiety (a post for another time) which only makes expressing my self verbally 100x harder, especially in emotional situations. Writing is how I process, express emotions, heal, and (hopefully) find closure. I have written countless letters to my narcissist ex, both when we were together and during our trial separation. I wrote because I couldn’t speak. I wrote because I felt like I didn’t have a voice. If you’ve ever been involved with a narcissist–romantically or otherwise–you understand. Trying to speak to a narcissist is like trying to converse with 2-year-old in the midst of a temper tantrum. Narcissists just keep making noise because they want to be heard, they dominate the “conversation”, and they don’t listen to a shred of what you say.
It’s Time to Speak Up!
Conversations have been unsuccessful because you, ex, refuse to take responsibility. You despise being held accountable for your disrespectful and dishonorable behavior. I’ve stayed silent for far too long; out of fear, but also also because I love(d) you so intensely that I lost myself. But that’s exactly what you wanted. In fact, everything about our relationship was exactly what you wanted, how you wanted, and when you wanted. And if I dare disagree, have an opinion, or say “no”, that’s when the fury induced tailspin would happen. “Bitch”, “Douche Bag”, “heartless fucking cunt”, “uneducated”, “unlovable”, “incapable of love”, “whore”; You had some lovely pet names for me anytime I spoke up. Devaluing me allowed you to play the victim.
Oh! And if my reply to your demand that I drop everything and help you immediately was, “OK give me 5 minutes,” I was met with, “Guess I’m on the go fuck myself plan”, “Guess I’m not important”, “Why are you with me? You clearly don’t love me!” And when I did help right away? “Why does everything have to be done your way” “You think you know everything”, “Oh Little Miss perfect. The rest of us are just idiots”. I walked on eggshells, afraid to breath the “wrong” way, and learned to not have a voice, to not speak up, to not have an opinion– to not be me!
Open Letter to my Narcissist Ex
I know that you’re waiting for me to breakdown and contact you. I won’t.
I didn’t realize how fucked up our relationship was until I tried to explain it to other people. For so long, I have justified your behavior because you manipulated me into thinking I was the problem. You expected and demanded complete honesty, while lying, cheating, and being deceitful every time I turned my back for a split second. Looking back with fresh eyes, the double-standards and hypocrisy are astounding! Your immense ego has you convinced that you are honorable; that you have “integrity”. That’s bullshit! Sir, you have no honor! You are a disgrace to the dog tags you hold so dear.
No More Gaslighting!
Like any true narcissist, ex, you have an incredibly twisted gift–gaslighting! I remained silent, but not ignorant, to what was going on right under my nose. Texts, calls, emails, social media messages. Yes, ex, I knew it all. “Confront him,” my friends said. Finally, I did. Proof in hand. Stupid me. “You’re such a a drama queen!” “That’s funny–calling me sneaky and deceitful, but you read my texts.” “Why can’t you just love me? How about that?” “Get over it!” and my favorite, “I wouldn’t feel the need to go elsewhere if you were capable of love.”
Apparently, when you feel “unloved” it drives you to send dick pics to other women. If I wanted you to stop being unfaithful, I needed to change my behavior. (Even reading that sentence I can’t believe what a twisted fucking asshole you are!) My apologies. I forgot that you never do anything wrong and nothing is ever your fault.
What Hurts the Most: Narcissist Love Bombing!
Like a bad Taylor Swift song, our relationship followed a clear pattern: Kind and Happy, Selfish, Fight, Abandonment, Love Bombing. Rinse and Repeat.
At tis, you felt that the fog you cast over me was lifting and I was starting to find my voice. You knew several times that you were losing the upper hand in your charade. You had to suck me back in. Charm, affection, attentiveness, “I love you”, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life”, “we are soul mates, twin flames”, “all we have is each other”, “you’re my person”, “all I want is you. I just want to make you happy”. Reminiscing of every good moment we had. Yes, we had good moments. We had some amazing times together. Some of the best times in my life have been spent with you, ex. You’d start being the guy you were when we met. The guy I fell in love with. You’d convince me that things were different, this would be a fresh start.
I fell for it. Every. Fucking. Time.
But, then the cycle would continue. On to the next phase. On to you making me feel like your actions and behavior are my fault.
I Was in Love with a Lie
I took your bullshit. I stuck by you through good and bad. I loved you when you gave me every reason to walk the fuck away and never look back. I loved you unconditionally. I invested all of myself in this relationship, in you! Now, I realize that I was in love with a lie.
It took me a while to see the real you. Too fucking long! But now, the blinders are off and I see you. You are a sadistic bully. I thought, because you said it so often, that if I just loved you enough, loved you more, stayed silent, that I would be enough and the cycle would finally end. That we could just stay in the “Kind and Happy” phase for good. I realize now, narcissist ex, that all of the love, attention, and sex in the world can’t fix your black, twisted, evil, insidious soul!
As hard as you’ve tried to break me, to silence me, I will NOT be silent anymore. I will not allow your toxicity to permeate my life any longer. Your venomous emotional and mental abuse of me ends here. Your ability to invalidate my thoughts and feelings, to make me feel unworthy, unimportant, that’s over. You no longer have the power to be my drug of choice. I choose me!