I spent this past weekend with Mr. Sports Fan, again. It has been such an intense 3 days, I don’t even know where to begin! So, like all good stories, I’ll start at the beginning…
Friday night Mr Sports Fan and I had plans to hang out and “watch movies with no pants on.” (It’s kind of a running, flirty, joke between the two of us.) I had a horribly hectic week and so had he and we both needed to just veg, order take out and unwind. That was the plan. He worked late and called when he was just about to my house. I ordered take out and it arrived a couple minutes after he did, perfect timing. We ate, talked and then decided we would settle down to watch a movie… which turned into screwing each other on my couch… twice! The sex between us is always hot. We have amazing sexual chemistry… amazing. Anyway, we watch the movie, we go to bed we have sex again and stayed up until almost 5 am talking.
Let me explain something about the conversations that Mr. Sports Fan and I have: we are always, intently, staring each other right in the eye when he talk. Our gaze never shifts away from the others eyes. We are locked in to each other… it’s beyond intense.
We finally fell asleep, wrapped up in each other like a people pretzel. We woke up around 11:30 Saturday morning, fucked, fell asleep, woke up, fucked, fell asleep again, woke up and fucked some more! Finally around 5:30 we got out of bed and decided we needed to be productive. We had a snack, replenished fluids lost during our fuck fest, showered and decided we would go out to each since we hadn’t left the house at all in the last 24 hours. Our plan was to stop at his office to unload merchandise from his truck and then we’d go to dinner. Unfortunately, when we got to his office, he discovered that his Friday night employee never showed up which means a shit load of orders weren’t shipped to customers. He was pissed (and rightfully so) about the fact that he now had to do her job for her when all he wanted to do was go to dinner. We ended up staying to pack more stuff, take everything to the post office in South Boston and then drive to the restaurant. Luckily, I know the owner, called ahead and they kept the kitchen open for us because we didn’t get to dinner until almost 11!
After dinner we came back to my house and were trying to pick another movie to watch. He was being all arrogant and dominant Marine, which is a turn on, lol. He does it jokingly, not to be an asshole, but he certainly likes to assert his dominance… so I had to assert mine right back! He forgets, I know his weakness: stockings and sexy, strappy high heels. Have you ever seen a dominant, macho Marine grovel, beg and worship at a woman’s feet?
I spent the next couple of hours ordering him around, telling him exactly what I wanted and how while he asked permission and waited for me to grant it. All of that arrogant dominance he had earlier was on the floor in a pile with our clothes. We eventually watched our movie, the Red Sox 2007 World Series documentary and then I cooked us pancakes before we headed off to bed for our almost nightly “honesty hour”.
“Honesty hour” started over the phone when we first started spending time together about 6 weeks ago. This is when we ask each other questions and share intimate details. Basically we are totally honest with each other for no good reason at about 3 am every night so, we refer to it as honesty hour now.
Last night’s honesty hour resulted in the two of us having a very intense conversation about where we stand. I hate these conversations. I run from these conversations, but at this moment, I couldn’t run. I was trapped, in my bed, with him gazing into my eyes, our bodies locked together like puzzle pieces, right where I wanted to be. (UGH! I hate that!) He had attempted this talk with me several times over the past few weeks, but there was no escaping the conversation this time. I had to own up to the fact that I am extremely attracted to him and that yes, I fuckin like him. He admitted that he cares about me and that he didn’t want any of “this”, he didn’t intend for any of “this”, but here we are and it’s gone further than either one of us wanted it to go and it’s scary. We complicate each other’s lives and that’s not good.
I agree with most of what he said. I agree that I didn’t want any of this, I wasn’t looking for any of this. Fuck, he was supposed to be a one hit wonder: one date, maybe a one night stand, that’s it. One and done. But clearly that didn’t happen despite my efforts. He keeps saying we are “just friends”, but when I brought up my going to a swinger party he was not happy about the idea of me being with any other guy, with or without him. You don’t make those statements if you are “just friends” with someone. Clearly there was more going on and neither of us wanted to admit to it.
Mr. Sports Fan and I are literally the male and female versions of each other: horrible childhood, fiercely independent, strong, dominant, don’t take shit from anyone, self-made success, don’t care what anyone thinks, sport fucking, commitment phobes.
We literally spent all day today sleeping and fucking. We laid in my bed earlier tonight going over the entire weekend and we had sex 16 times over the course of 42 hours, just under a full 2 days. That’s insane, even for me! LOL! At a few points during our fuck fest, while he was following orders (my orders) like a good Marine does, he yelled out OORAH! (fuckin awesome!!!)
In between all of the kink (and OMG was it kinky, raunchy, porn worthy sex) there was a lot of conversation. He’s always trying to delve in and figure out what makes me tick. I rarely open up to people about personal shit so his inquisitiveness makes me uncomfortable. He kept trying to dive in to my past relationships and why such an amazing girl is single and why didn’t those relationships work…blah blah blah! Enough! Just shut up and fuck me! That’s it! Fuck all of the emotional shit! I don’t want a therapist. I don’t want you inside my head trying to figure me out.
I’ve reached the point in this game where I am ready to run screaming as fast as my legs will carry me and never speak to him again. Phase him out. Ignore all texts, emails, phone calls…any attempt at contact. But I don’t know if I can. Why? What’s holding me back from sprinting away like my life depends on it?
I like him … a lot!
And I hate that!
Logically, I know that he and I would never really work. First, we are far too similar, which is both a blessing and a curse because we will either be each other’s best friend or worst enemy. Second, he eventually wants to have kids of his own and that’s not possible with me. Third, we are both so extremely busy with our own businesses, growing our brands and making ourselves successful that we just don’t have time for the complications or effort that a relationship takes. Fourth, there are certain things I want out of life that he’s never going to be able to do: spontaneous mini vacations, traveling, picking up some day and moving to NYC… so many things that I have on my bucket list. I’ve already sacrificed myself and my own desires once in my life while I was married. I refuse to do it again. Fifth, we are so much better off if we take sex off the table and are just friends because we really could help each other’s businesses really take off and succeed.
Emotionally, I’m fucked! This is a fuckin mess and I really don’t know how it came to this. We are really into each other and more than just sexually. We understand each other without having to say anything. He can tell when I’m stressed or upset and knows how to fix it and vice versus. We make each other laugh, a lot! We are completely comfortable with each other and have actually divulged things to each other that we haven’t told other people. When we aren’t together, we are texting, talking and emailing all day and night until we are together. Emotionally, we just connect.
But we’re “just friends”.
So now we are in this awkward place, or at least I feel we are, where we can’t really go backwards because there is nothing to go back to. We can’t really move forward because neither one of us wants the risk. So we are stuck in limbo with two viable options on the horizon: 1) part ways and cut our losses (which neither of us wants to do) or 2) take sex off the table and really just be friends.