Never, Never Gonna Get It!

never gonna get it
never gonna get it
NEVER Gonna Get It!!!

I was trying to think of just the right title for this post; lots of song titles came to mind:

There’s Lady A’s Love Don’t Live Here Anymore which is very appropriate.

The oldie, but goody You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling, nah not really fitting either.

Rascal Flatt’s I’m Moving On felt  like it might be a good choice (especially given the circumstance, which I’ll explain in a minute), but again not the right fit.

There’s always Alanis with You Oughta Know, but he didn’t really leave a mess behind… well, not really.

Then I began contemplating strong female artists who basically say Fuck You to their ex in a break up song. You know the songs I mean~ songs like:

Ultimately, I chose to go old school and sexy with some divas from the 90’s
So, just what happened to inspire this YouTube barrage of Fuck You style break up songs? I was contacted by an ex. Not just any ex… THE ex. Mr. Electricty, the ex-fiance. I have no idea what prompted him to contact me after almost a year of absolute exile, but today, there it was– a message in my “other” inbox on Facebook.

And just what did he have to say for himself after all this time? Well, here, read it for yourself:

Hi, you probably hate me. I don’t blame you. I am not trying to start any trouble, I just can’t help but think what happen to us? I wanted to marry you, I bought a ring, I loved you, we had our spot in NY for our ceremony, we had a place for our honeymoon. I know you did what you had to do for yourself and your family I would have done the same. I wasn’t there to take advantage, I was there because I was in love with you and I thought we had something. I guess I just don’t have closer. If you don’t want to respond I understand. I am sure you might even block me. If I don’t hear from you, I just want to say I did screw up and I miss you, I miss when we both got dizzy when we kissed, I miss saying,” I fucking love you”. If you don’t want anything to do with me please block me.

And there you have it. Sitting in my “other” box because when I threw my engagement ring at him and then tossed him on his ass, out of my house and out of my life, I severed all ties with him and his family. I deleted his number from my phone, his email from my contacts and disconnected our lives on Facebook. I deleted any pictures I had of him or his kids. I essentially deleted our life together.

In the weeks that followed our dramatic break up, I had to break the news to everyone I knew that I had called off the engagement and we were officially and terminally over. We were broken and nothing could fix it. I also had to cancel our honeymoon reservation for the gorgeous private villa in St. John. I had to call the officiant, photographer, and hotel in NYC and explain to all of them that the wedding was off.  I had to fend off calls and emails from David’s Bridal regarding wedding dresses. I had to contact the invitation company and try to stop them…nope, too late. I was stuck with 100 invites with our picture on them announcing our reception details. It literally took months for the emails and phone calls to stop.

So, why did I, in true drama queen fashion, end this relationship by throwing his ring at him (or at all, even without the theatrics)? He cheated. He cheated and he lied. I opened my heart and my home to him and he took full advantage of my trust in the worst possible way. I have absolutely no tolerance for lying and cheating. I gave him the opportunity to explain himself and all he gave were excuses. When I confronted him with the evidence and again when I was changing the locks as I threw his ass out the door, the only explanation I got was a list of excuses. Never once did he deny the accusation. Never once did he tell me that he loved me and would never do something like that to me. Not once did he apologize. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy for me to feel nothing for him. I don’t hate him, miss him, love him, like him… I don’t have any thoughts or feelings whatsoever towards him or about him. I feel nothing at all with regard to him.

Maybe that makes me a cold, heartless bitch. I’m sure I could find a crowd of ex’s who would agree. Or maybe it means that I’m strong enough to know when to walk away, cut all ties, and be OK with my decision because it’s in MY best interest. Either way, I’m perfectly content with my decision to walk away.

Now, what to do with this message. My gut says ignore it; outsiders are telling me to toy with him, but I’m not that girl. I’m too blatantly honest to fuck with his head, besides, what would I gain from it? I don’t want anything to do with him, so why would I contact him. I have nothing to say and don’t want him showing up at my house trying to fix things. There’s nothing left to fix anyway. I’ve moved on! I’m happy where I am right now. I’m also not the girl who moves backwards. He’s an ex for a reason and those reasons are all examples of what I don’t want, need or deserve. I want so much more than he could ever possibly give me emotionally, physically, mentally. Despite the fact he’s 10 years older than me, we are on totally different playing fields. I’m ambitious and making something of my life while he just sits around mooching off women and talking about what he wants, never putting anything into action. That’s not me and that’s not what I want in a man. I prefer men of action and he’s not an action man.

In a way I’m kind of glad that he sent me that message. In the first few weeks after we split up, I often wondered whether I had made the right decision, whether I should take a leap of faith and put my trust in him  completely and just go for it, do the marriage thing. But I know now that it was just the loneliness talking. Everything happens for a reason, I strongly believe that. I think our lives are part fate, destiny or whatever you want to call it, and the other part choice. As we travel through life, some events become part of our lives by chance or fate. Other times, the choices we make change the course of our fate ever so slightly.

In the end, destiny is all about the choices we make and the chances we take. Mr. Electricity made his choice (to cheat and lie) and took his chances (that I wouldn’t walk away). Now he has to live with the outcome. There are no do-overs. I’ve moved on and he’s never gonna get it!

~XOXO

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