I’m Sorry, but I’m Allergic to Feelings!

allergic to feelings emotionally unavailable
allergic to feelings emotionally damaged

Mr. Sports Fan and I have been… well… I don’t know what we’ve been for the past 2 months. I have never known someone who was more of a commitment phobe than I am! Seriously! Let me explain…

As you all know, I’ve kind of been a fuck ’em and forget ’em kind of a girl for quite some time now. A sport fucker if you will. I like to collect men like some people collect whatever it is people collect these days. (Do people still collect things?) I was perfectly content and happy with my wide variety of men to choose from on any given night. And then it happened…. HE happened!

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He wasn’t supposed to drive me into estrogen-induced insanity! It was supposed to be dinner, maybe a one night stand, but nothing more.Nothing. Why has it become, how has it become…more?!

Riddle me this:

We spend every weekend together, sometimes the entire weekend, but always at least one weekend night. He leaves things at my house: toothbrush, clothes, movies, video camera, etc. He pays every time we go out (I’ve tried, he won’t have it). When we aren’t with each other he calls, texts and emails me all day and night (he almost always initiates contact… about 85% of the time). We fall asleep intertwined like a people pretzel (I’m not a big fan of cuddling when I’m trying to sleep). When I’m stressed, he makes me feel better. He calls me from work and tells me the sound of my voice  makes his day/night better. Neither one of us is a fan of phone calls and yet not one phone call between us has been less than an hour (they average 3 hours or longer)!  BUT…

He says we’re “just friends”.We both have a shit ton of emotional baggage and are both commitment phobes, but seriously?! He constantly brings up the “what are we doing” question, you know, the “define this relationship” shit. He uses the excuse that we both have busy lifestyles and neither one of us needs “this” right now. OK, then stop asking me to define what’s going on for 3 hours every single fucking night! When I answered “it is what it is” that wasn’t enough for him. He kept asking, wanted more insight. “Listen, we have fun, we have good sex, let’s just see what happens,” was my next response. Don’t forget, this entire time he keeps labeling us “just friends.” The closer we get to each other, the more time we spend with each other, the more expressive we have each become about how we really feel. BUT, since we are both so emotionally defective, we aren’t as straight forward as most people might be. One of us might make a confession via email and the other will agree and say “you’re not alone in feeling that way, we’re on the same page” or his favorite thing to say is ” if you are ever looking for answers, just look inside yourself because we are THAT much alike and in sync.” I mentioned going to a swinger party as a single girl (after all we’re “just friends” and single guys aren’t allowed) and he got all upset! He said he knew he had no right to be upset and he wasn’t telling me what to do, but he didn’t like the idea of me screwing anyone else. I asked him to come with me and he’s also not comfortable hooking up with anyone else himself, even if I said go for it!

This doesn’t sound like we are “just friends,” does it? It gets worse…

I really like him. I mean really, really like him. Ugh! This wasn’t supposed to happen! And now things are messy.

Now when he’s  not here, I miss him. Now I sleep in his Marine shirts (which he thinks is cute and keeps leaving me more). Now he has me thinking about relationship stuff. Now he has made it so I don’t even want to date anyone else (I’ve had several offers in the past 2 months, 3 just tonight, and I turn them all down! WTF is wrong with me?!) Now I confessed to him that it bothers me when he calls us “just friends”. Now I confessed to him that I don’t like the idea of him with anyone else either, but that I know I have no right to let it bother me. Now I let him know that I think I might, kind of sort of  maybe be having some sort of… I don’t know… feelings… towards him.

But I’m allergic to feelings! How did this happen?! I take Zyrtec every day for my allergies and everything! This shit isn’t working!

Fast forward a couple hours (after having a 2 hour phone conversation with him prior to the Pats game tonight) and I’m fine. My head is screwed on straight again… I think. Yes, yes it is. I just had a momentary lapse into insanity, that’s all. I blame it on estrogen, damn female hormone causing me to get all girly and shit. I’ll have to talk to the Dr. about that.

Just now, I got a drunk call from Mr Sports Fan. All happy and obnoxious because he was out drinking with his Marine buddies. I stayed on the phone with him for an hour while he drove home, acting like an obnoxious ass the entire time. At least he’s a happy drunk I guess. But he just doesn’t listen! He kept insisting I was upset with him even after I told him I was fine (and not in the girly I’m-not-fine-but-I’m-saying-I-am kind of a way either). Then he started: “Listen, I really like you but I don’t want to lose you so maybe I should come pick all of my stuff up and we can just be friends. But I am so attracted to you. Are you attracted to me? I really like you. This is really bad timing. I really can’t do this right now. You hate me don’t you.I miss you, do you miss me? I don’t want you to hate me because I like you” This rambling went on for the entire hour and included occasional answers from me which he couldn’t  understand because he wasn’t listening to anything other than the sound of his own voice. I really hate being sober and trying to talk to someone who’s drunk. It’s annoying! I told him I wanted things to stay the same. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course because he’s drunk and not listening, talking to him right now is like playing that game telephone and my words are being misheard and changed. I finally got so annoyed I said “OK you arrived where you need to be and you’re not listening so I’m gonna say goodnight and get some sleep.” And I hung up on him. That was mean. But he pissed me off! That’s not a typical reaction for me. Why did I do that?

I’m allergic to feelings! I think it’s time for new meds!



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