I’ve never been good at the feelings ‘stuff’. Ever. I absolutely suck at expressing myself verbally and at conveying my emotions, honestly, openly and in the context of a verbal conversation. I’m just not built that way. Clearly, my wiring is all fucked up. I mean come on, look at my dating life!
So when I am hit by the feelings bus, I really do feel like I’ve been hit by a freakin’ bus! It’s like my nervous system can’t process what the fuck is going on and starts screaming “May Day, May Day! System overload!’ (I picture a team of oompa loompa looking people frantically rushing around to shut down the system, red lights blinking as an alarm blares. I know, I’m insane, but I never claimed to be otherwise).
I also don’t trust myself when it comes to this shit. I’ve made some horribly, terribly, awful decisions when it comes to my love life and the punishment for those mistakes has left scars that I don’t think will ever heal. In my entire life, I’ve only ever said the words ‘I Love You,’ to three people who were not related to me: my BFF, ‘A’ and The One. I never even said it to my ex husband! Ever! I’m beyond emotionally damaged as a result of my childhood and my past dating/relationship choices.
So, if you can’t trust your gut when it comes to all of the emotional vomit that comes with dating and relationships, how do you know what to do with all of it?
More importantly, how do you know if all of this stuff you are feeling is…the “L” word…or if it’s just, I don’t know, not the “L” word?
I’ve been an emotional mess lately and I’m not so sure how to proceed. Things with Mr. Sports Fan are still really good… almost 4 months now! Holy shit! This is the longest I have been monogamous in a LONG time! And the funny part, it doesn’t bother me one tiny bit. Ever since our talk a couple weeks ago, Mr. Sports Fan has been tossing around the “dating” label, and even used the “R” word a couple times. When I didn’t react to the “R” word he asked, “Did you hear me?” “Yes, you said…” and I repeated whatever it was we were talking about. “Ya, but did you hear what I said?” I thought for a second. Sometimes things don’t register right away with me. “Ya, you said ‘this relationship’, I heard you.” He was quite for a second. “OK and how do you feel about that?” “Honestly, ” I said, “it doesn’t bother me.” “OK” and that was the end of that. We both changed the subject, as neither of us is really that good at talking about our feelings. He said it, and wasn’t spooked. I heard it and wasn’t spooked. So there it was.
But as the end of March draws nearer, and Mr. Sports Fan’s business life becomes even crazier (he’s entering his busiest time of year), both of us have been thinking about, worrying about, obsessing about and dreading what we fear is the end of whatever this is we have. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not so pessimistic that we fear the end before it even begins. It’s just that we are both already ridiculously busy with work and have hectic lives, but we practically live together so we find time for each other. In a couple of weeks, that’s going to change. His life will revolve around work even more than it already does, and that’s fine with me, but it’s making him sad. Not seeing him, being with him as much… when I let myself think about it, it makes me sad too. I can’t imagine not falling asleep next to him, or waking up next to him. I can’t imagine going an entire day, let alone longer, without talking to him or seeing him. I can’t imagine not having him around to share things with, to vent to for 5 minutes in the middle of a hectic day. He has actually expressed these things to me, I haven’t confirmed that I feel the same way, share the same fears, because I’m trying to comfort him and calm his fears. All the while, it devastates me.
Last night…OK, really it was 3 AM, but that hardly matters… I was sitting on the couch pinning away on Pinterest while he sat at the table working on his laptop. He had iTunes on in the background while he worked and we talked. “I just don’t want you to hate me,” he kept saying. “Why would I hate you?” “Well, I don’t know, because I’m not gonna be around as much and… I don’t know… I just don’t want you to be unhappy. I hate when you’re unhappy.”
“Don’t worry about it. You’re gonna be working. How can I hate you for working? That’s silly. We’ll figure it out. Don’t worry.” I’m really trying to convince myself as I talk him down at the same time.
He played sappy 80’s and 90’s love songs while we talked and he worked. I kept trying to change the subject because it was making me tear up just thinking about not having him around. (Ugh! I’m such a girl since I met him!) I was content, pinning away, and he put on Lionel Richie’s Hello, walked over to me, took my hand and sweetly said, “dance with me.” I got up and we danced, at 3 AM, to this sappy 80’s love song, which was followed by a second dance to The Drifter’s This Magic Moment. We smiled, laughed and kissed as we danced. This was so out of character for either of us, and it was silly, but sweet at the same time. He went back to working for a bit longer, and I went back to pinning. Then Peter Cetera’s Glory of Love came on and he came over and laid on my lap and sang while I played with his hair. LOL SO FUCKING SAPPY!!!!!
I started to wonder if he was trying to say something, to communicate with me through music. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it and the mix of feelings and hormones really have taken over my brain!
My head and my heart are in two very different places right now, for the first time in a very, very long time, and I’m not sure how to proceed. April is shaping up to be a true test for the two of us. Do I blurt out exactly how I’m feeling before it’s too late and hope he doesn’t run screaming in the other direction? Or do I just sit tight, continue to bite my tongue, ride it out a bit longer, and see how things play out over the next month?
I feel like my life has become an 80’s movie, complete with soundtrack. Stay tuned!