"He Said What?!"– Shit Guys Say

shit men say
shit guys say

“Hey baby, you have gorgeous eyes. Let’s go somewhere so I can get lost in them”… “Thought your pic was cute. Read my profile and let me know if you think we have anything in common”…”Do you taste as good as you look?”

Men, if you have used any of the lines above, PLEASE STOP NOW! You do not need to be an asshole, a scumbag, a douche bag or a completely socially inept retard when approaching a woman. It is NOT going to get you anywhere, trust me!

My adventures with online dating have been hilarious and downright disgusting at times. It seems that guys find their balls and say (or in the case of online dating, type) whatever dumbass comments pop into their  heads. The comments above are actual comments I have received from actual people through two online dating sites. One guy started off with “Hey, what are you up to” to which I responded “out running some errands right now, buying paint”. He then inquired to the colors I was buying and when I told him he wrote back “hmmm…sounds like good colors on you!!!” Another message recently read “Hello, I’m a 60 year old married attorney in good shape with a nice home. I love your photos. Would you be interested in being a lover and companion for a man in my position?” Really?! No, I mean seriously?! Are you for fuckin real?!

Then there are the guys who message me shit like “Mmmm baby girl you so fine” and that’s it. First message right out of the gate and that’s all it says. Or the ever popular “Wanna fuck?” Ummm… let me think about that for a sec… NO! 

There is a whole other category of messages that are from guys who have either given up on making any real effort or are just way to shy to approach a female, even online. These messages typically read “Hi” and that’s it or “How are you?” and nothing further. Depending on the photo  AND profile (I’m not completely shallow) I might sent a quick response to one of these messages, but they likely just become pen pals and nothing more.

Guys, I understand how difficult it is to send that first message, trust me, I’ve done it! Please, PLEASE think about what you are sending before you hit send. That first message is a very important one, it’s a make or break situation. Before you hit send you have to think: Do I want this woman to reply or do I want her to delete my creepy message and block me? You don’t need to write a thesis on why you think the two of you would make a great match, but don’t be a creep and say something more than hi. Aim for something in the middle. Did you actually read her profile, even if you just skimmed it (let’s face it, some of us have lengthy profiles which is so not necessary)? Did anything jump out at you, maybe something you both have in common?  This is usually a good place to figure out what to write in that first message. Try something like “Hi, I read your profile and you sound like someone I definitely would like to get to know. I noticed you are from the town I grew up in. Wow! Something in common” OK maybe not so cheesy, but you get the point. Find something within her profile that you have in common and write a short 2 line message. Chances are she will absolutely write back, even if she isn’t interested, because she will be so happy that you were polite and not a creep! Even if you don’t get a date out of it, you might find a cool new friend to hang out with and swap  online dating horror stories with! Oh! And make sure that your profile has an updated picture of yourself. I absolutely will not respond to messages that do not include a picture. This is not purely for shallow reasons;  I do care what you look like, let’s be honest, we all care. If you say you don’t you’re a fuckin liar! You can tell a lot about a person by their eyes and facial expression so attaching a recent photo of yourself to your profile is important.

Remember guys it’s not only what you say, but how you say it! Save the witty sarcasm for date night when she can read your body language with those remarks (something that can’t be done via email or text until you really know someone). And please, don’t ask her if she’d like to get together for coffee/drinks and a spanking. (An actual message I just got!)

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