Is Being Friends With An Ex Dangerous?

friends with an ex

We’ve all ended things with someone at least once by saying, “We can still be friends,” and maybe we really mean it. For the most part though, we’re all bullshitting when we say it.

What happens when, for whatever reason, you do remain friends with an ex? Are you really just friends with that person? Do you need a certain amount of time to pass before you stop wanting to fuck them and you really are just friends?

Personally, I think it’s possible to be friends with an ex, but only in certain situations. I have many ex’s who I’m still in contact with and no, not for booty calls. My rule is: was there an emotional attachment? If yes, then we can’t be friends. If the answer is no, things ended well and there’s no urge to rail them, then absolutely!

What happens though, if you are in a relationship and you have an ex (or worse- ex’s) lingering around? You can tell your significant other until you’re blue in the face that these people are ‘just friends’, but if the ex is calling and texting at all hours, sexting you, flirting, or in any way disrespecting the fact that you are dating someone else, then you have to choose between keeping the ex in your life or keeping your relationship with this new person.

If you refuse to make that choice and really believe you can have your cake and eat it too, I’m here to tell you it’s  impossible! Why?

  1. You’re wasting your time with an ex rather than focusing on your current, or on finding someone new.
  2. If the ex is disrespectful of your new relationship/dating experiences, it can cause the new person to  be jealous and end things between you two.
  3. If you’re hanging out with your past, how can you move on with your future?
  4. Physical attraction doesn’t just go away. Eventually you’ll end up screwing! Don’t lie to yourself by saying it won’t happen because eventually, it will!

Mr. Sports Fan and I both have ex’s who linger around and we are friends with; some of them are ancient history from high school or people with whom it was doomed from the start. We both also have ex’s that have the potential to cause friction between us and who refuse to go away. Rather than letting it cause drama in our relationship though, we choose to talk about it openly and honestly, and pay these  people little to no attention. If you can’t do that and the ex takes priority over your current, you’re gonna be in deep shit! And single!

The key to staying friends with an ex is boundaries. If one of you of you hasn’t accepted that it’s over and moved on, then under no circumstances can you remain friends. You can’t keep a foot in your past and move towards a future at the same time.

And if you are the ex clinging to your past love interest, do yourself a favor and move the fuck on! Hanging around hoping that someday he/she realizes you were “the one’ and you end up back together is just Hollywood bullshit! Don’t disrespect your current by flirting with, texting, sexting, or meeting up with your ex if there are still unresolved feelings or issues there. Leave that shit in the past!

Get a clue, and a life of your own without the ex, and move on!

Just remember, an ex is an EXample of what you don’t need or want. Kick the clinging ex to the curb and start living in the present.

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10 Comments

  1. Being friends with an ex is a slipperly slope that doesn’t always end well. This is great advice … it’s important to set boundaries if you really need them in your life. But ask yourself why and what purpose do they have!? Great post and great advice!!

    • Great point! If you feel you need to have that ex in your life you really should ask yourself why? I know I have an ex or two that I was friends with before dating them and we found out we were better as friends than as lovers.We didn’t want the friendship to end simply because we fucked things up with trying to take it further, so we remained friends and never touched each other or were romantic again.

  2. I will always be “friendly” with an ex if I run into them are they call but will never be friends. I agree, it’s unhealthy and keeps both of you tied to a ship that’s already sunk!

    • Great point Marrie! It’s so important to differentiate between “friends” and “friendly”. I’m almost always courteous and friendly when I bump into an ex or am contacted by one, but there are just some that it’s too dangerous to be friends with.

    • Good point Kelly, why tempt fate? I mean, if there was nothing between you to begin with then it’s possible to try to be friends, but if you had heat, passion, chemistry… walk away! You can’t be ‘just friends” because you’ll always want to bang them “one last time.”

  3. This is such great advice…I definitely am friends with (probably too many) of my ex’s…and I’ve definitely learned over time that the most important thing to do is be honest with the person I’m currently dating. I have a basic ground rule…if I would be uncomfortable introducing and chatting with the the ex and the new BF at a party, or bar-b-q, I probably shouldn’t be friends with that ex.

    • That’s a great rule! If that scenario would make you uncomfortable than you know there’s a reason. I’m not saying it’s impossible to be friends with an ex, but sometimes you have to weigh the pros and cons and decide if it’s a healthy friendship or if it’s holding you back from moving on.

  4. Great post and great advice! You’re right about it being impossible to move to the future with a foot in the past. A lot of times we want to relive the good times (sex) and that just opens the door for feelings.

    • Thanks Q! And don’t get me wrong, I have friends who I am friendly with and a few I consider to be friends, but it’s because there was no spark between us beyond enjoying each other’s company. There were no feelings, no sexual chemistry. If you have that shit with an ex, no way you can be ‘just friends’!

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