Freak the Freak Out!

freak out commitment phobia

freak out commitment phobia

There should be 12-Step programs for commitment-phobic singles such as myself! Support groups of some sort. Perhaps shock therapy treatment for those times when we freak the fuck out and get the unnecessary urge to RUN! Seriously, any of these options could have helped me this past weekend.

It appears some sort of bat signal went up and alerted all boy toys that I had fallen into a relationship and was no longer on the market because WHAM! BAM! They ALL decided to hit me up this past week. It started with Mr. G Spot crawling out from under a rock and texting me that he missed me and REALLY needed to see me ASAP. This went on for days, despite me breaking the news to him that I currently have a boyfriend. Next up was Maverick, blowing my phone up all week and weekend asking me to break up with Mr DJ and date him, “why don’t you ever want to date me and give me a chance”, OMG he was being such a chick! Mind you he never once let on that he was interested in anything other than the occasional BC (booty call) and I was absolutely good with that. Honestly, even if he had brought up dating I wouldn’t have taken him up on the offer and would have kicked him out of the toy box. As if the two of them weren’t enough, Mr Cocky began professing his love via email AND text! “I miss you”, ” I hope you’re happy. I wish things were different :(, “You are the total package. Don’t settle.” Seriously?! Where was all of this BEFORE. And um, asshole, you are moving 3000 miles away!

The icing on the cake though (and oh boy! was the temptation to lick that icing SO fuckin hard to resist) was Navy Man texting me Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday. There is something magnetic between the two of us, something so indescribable that just pulls us together and we end up naked. We started off friends and then one night became FWB. That went on for months and then he got a girlfriend and we went back to just friends. Schedules never meshed so he hardly saw each other, which made it easy to just stay friends. Then, this  past summer, we hung out again and BAM! Like fucking magnets, literally! He confessed to me he had a girlfriend but things were bad and they were on a break. He said it’s hard to just be friends with me because I’m like kryptonite to him (LOL) he just can’t resist, but he’d like to try and be friends. OK…let’s be grown ups and try then. So when he started hitting me up Friday night asking to hang out, I let him know I wasn’t available. He then pushed for Saturday and I said maybe since I was planning to go out with some fellow Boston anons anyway. I ended up staying home because 1) I was in severe pain from a knee injury and 2) I really didn’t trust myself around him. The more he text me that night, the harder it got for me to say no and stay home. I kept trying to convince myself that we would be fine. We’d be in a group of people and of course we could hang out as friends. Sure! But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it just felt wrong. It felt like I was betraying Mr DJ  because I knew deep down that when it comes to Navy Man, I have NO self-control at all and neither does he!

This inner conflict caused me to freak the fuck out! I text The One (who happens to also be my BGF, best guy friend) and I also text my BFF and another guy friend. My moral compass was all off kilter and I needed someone to talk me off the ledge. I was so incredibly tempted to go and meet Navy Man fully knowing that we’d end up naked no matter how hard I tried and fully aware that I have an amazing boyfriend. I felt like the worst girlfriend ever. Even though I wasn’t acting on the temptation to go meet up with Navy Man and tear up his house, I was incredibly tempted to do so….INCREDIBLY tempted! Mr DJ is amazing, why would I even think about screwing it up? I’m a lot of things but I have never, ever been a cheater. I’d rather walk away from a relationship than cheat. I’ve been cheated on and it sucks! I’m not that girl. I like variety, but when I’m in a relationship I am faithful. So why then was I having such a hard time with this?

I’ll tell you why: commitment-phobes such as myself get all flustered, freak out and run away in relationships. I am the type of girl who spooks easily. When Mr. DJ asked me about labeling me his girlfriend, I damn near had a panic attack! Once it sunk in and I really thought about it (and had a few girl friends talk me down), I was more comfortable with that big girl step. Phew! But in a relationship there are lots of big girl steps and each one scares the crap out of me! Lately, Mr DJ is talking about meeting his entire family (the thought makes me break out in a cold sweat), vacations together NEXT SUMMER (um…that’s too far in the future for me) and has made other comments about “next year”, “next summer”, “next Christmas” AHHHHHHH!!!!! Danger! Danger! I’m ready to bolt! Run as far and as fast as I can! This is the total opposite of slow to me! This is warp speed!

These “little steps” in a relationship are HUGE to me and cause me to freak out and get the urge to run in the opposite direction. During these freak out moments, if I am faced with temptation (such as sexy Navy Man) I start second guessing the entire relationship, whether I am ready or not for commitment, maybe we should just take a step backwards….so on and so forth. My mind spins out of control with what ifs and I fear he is more invested than I am, which will ultimately destroy things anyway. Ugh… basically I turn into a freaking mess! BGF helped me calm myself and told me I wasn’t being a bad girlfriend because I wasn’t acting on my temptation which was a good call. He also said the fact that I was feeling the way I was just tells me that I know there is something between us. Both good points, but I still felt like a bad girlfriend.

So Sunday, when Navy Man asked me to lunch I accepted. We met on neutral ground, in public, no alcohol, talked sports and politics and we had a good time. We ended things with a long hug (so hard to pull away, not going to lie. He’s beyond sexy!) and each went our separate ways…alone. He tried to tempt me into going home with him and I resisted. (YAY me!) I have a boyfriend who I adore and although all of this mushy, grown up relationship stuff scares the hell out of me and causes me to freak out, I’m trying to be a big girl and work through it. Maybe I’ll form my own 12 step-program 😉 Shock therapy anyone?


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