Last night I had a horrible date with Mr. Body. Dull doesn’t even begin to describe it! He said he wanted to take me “out to a nice dinner. Maybe a movie after or the beach.” OK. Although all of those options caused a wardrobe meltdown (flip flops? wedges? long dress? short dress? Ahhhh!) I sought the opinion of my best friend and went with a black maxi dress, cute but casual brass kitten slip on heels (the kind that sort of flip flop when you walk, but cuter than flip flops and way dressier in a casual way! LOL!), accessories…I was ready for any of the scenarios he mentioned.
6:00 he pulls into my driveway and when I opened the door he was standing there with flowers. AAWWW sweet, ya I know. I thanked him, put the flowers inside and we left. Once we were in the car he tells me ” OK I have a list of three places that I looked up in this area: Margarita’s, 99..” I stopped him there because I was afraid the 3rd option was Taco Bell! “Margarita’s is fine, let’s go there”, I said, knowing that my favorite bartender would be on duty. Yes, I have a favorite bartender there. Don’t judge. This place is like my own version of Cheers! Anyway, off to Margarita’s we go.
During the 6 minute car ride, we exhausted the typical topics of conversation: How was your day? Good, yours? Great I did blah blah blah. Oh really, nice. I did blah blah blah. Awkward silence. So have you ever been to Margarita’s? OK you get the point…
We get to Margarita’s and he starts to get us a table, while I just walk right in and immediately go to the lounge. I know, bitchy of me, but it’s what I usually do. I don’t like sitting alone in a booth when all of the interesting people are sitting at the bar. I love to people watch. Funny shit! Anyway we compromise and sit at a booth in the “lounge” area. We order drinks: mine alcoholic & he orders soda. Not like I’m an alcoholic or anything, but people who don’t drink are just not fun! Plus things were already way too awkward and silent for a second date, have a fuckin drink and loosen up you pansy! For the next 20 minutes the conversation, or lack thereof, consisted of me trying to get him to talk…about ANYTHING! The food came and at least then we had an excuse not to talk much. Honestly…I’ve never seen someone eat so fast! This man ate his food so fast you would have thought he was trying to win a million dollars for cleaning his plate in under a minute!! Disgusting!! Totally ruined the fact that he was bronzed, buff & beautiful!
At this point I excused myself and went to the ladies room where not only did I tweet that this date was going SO BAD, but I also text my bestie: ” OMG an hr in & I need out of this date! 1st date was good…2nd sucks!” She instantly got back to me “Need me to call u and tell u I need u for something”. I returned to the table and told him that while I was in the ladies room my grandmother called me very upset and I might have to go visit her and calm her down if her nurse can’t get her to calm down (horrible I know, but it’s a true scenario that has happened before so, I used it). I text my bestie back from under the table to fill her in “I told him I might need to be dropped off to my grandmother cuz she’s freaking on the nurse. Call me in 20 & I’ll have him drop me off there to get out of this”
Right on time (thankfully because I was bored stiff and running out of topics), my bestie came through (as always) and called me to rescue me. Since I already gave him the heads up it could happen, he knew it meant he was dropping me off. I gave him directions to the nursing home and as I was getting out of the car he said “I’ll just wait here for you” WHAT?! Are you fuckin serious?! I turned back and said “I don’t know how long this is going to take. You should just go.”, but he insisted on staying. Fine, whatever! I went inside to visit my grandmother, who was surprised to see me at 8:00 at night. I explained to her what was going on and she laughed. My grandmother is a hot shit, not your typical old lady. She’s got the mouth of a drunken sailor and the temper of one too! She’s a feisty, I-dont-take-any-shit kind of an old lady who doesn’t care what she says and who she says it too….just like me!Anyway, she thought it was hilarious and was happy to see me. After about 15 minutes I text Mr. Body “This is going to take a while so you should probably go.” and he replied “I can wait it’s no problem” and I replied “I don’t know how long I’ll be here so you should just go. I’ll be OK. Thank you though.” and he said “OK have a good night” I stayed with my grandmother for about 45 minutes and then it was time for the nurses to put everyone to bed so I said goodnight to her and walked home.
This morning he text me “OK so are we gonna meet again?” He’s nice to look at, but man is he stupid as fuck!