I love when other bloggers seek me out to guest post for all of you! Here is a guest post from Laura Varnishe, writer for School of Squirt. Laura wanted to share her tips on how to take charge in bed, and what better venue to do that than right here! In her spare time, Laura writes for School of Squirt where she teaches sex skills to both me and women. When she’s not doing that she can be found on the tennis court practicing her serve. You can follow @SchoolOfSquirt on Twitter to read more of Laura’s work.
What’s the top piece of advice when it comes to getting a better sex life? Speak up! Every advice columnist, self-help book author and well intentioned friend always gives this piece of advice when it comes to sex, but few offer any help on how to go about it. Meanwhile, many women – even those of us who pride ourselves on being raised by Cosmopolitan and Sex and the City reruns – find ourselves feeling positively Victorian when it comes to making our wants and needs clear in the bedroom.
So what’s the hold up, where’s the hang up and why do we have so much trouble opening up and taking charge when it comes to our own sexual gratification? There are about a million different possible reasons why we still feel so repressed and gun shy when it comes to sex but at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is how we can get past it.
In some cases, women know they want something more, but they’re hard pressed to define what ‘more’ actually means. Consider what you like about your current sex life and what you’d like to improve upon. Once you do start discussing your sexual wants and needs with your partner, it will help if you can kick things off by outlining the things you already enjoy so they don’t feel as though you’re criticizing them.
Then it’s time to make that erotic wish list. Do you want more oral sex? Or maybe you want to try something really new like anal sex or role playing. Or maybe you really want to go wild and live out your ultimate fantasy. Sit down and write out everything you’d like to try from the simple to the extreme. Since this initial list is pretty much for your eyes only, don’t be shy about listing anything and everything that piques your interest no matter how wild or seemingly extreme.
Verbal or Actionable
Talking about sex can be a lot more difficult than actually engaging in a different activity so, for some women, showing your partner what you want may be the best way to begin the conversation, so to speak. Take some time to think about whether or not there’s a way to introduce what you’d like to try without a lot of preamble. If you’d like to get more creative with positions, for example, make having the conversation easier by bringing home a well-illustrated copy of the Kama Sutra or any one of the many DVD versions of the book. In fact, you can use erotic art, magazines, books, DVDs and websites to make introducing something new a whole lot easier.
If, on the other hand, you’d prefer to discuss what you want, then it’s time to get past whatever’s holding you back. Start by writing out what you’d like and be as detailed as possible. Writing things down can be a lot easier than verbalizing them and so you’ll become more comfortable with the idea as you go along. It also works as a makeshift script, something you can even use once you start talking about it.
The next step is – you guessed it – practicing saying it all aloud. When you first start you may feel awkward and weird even though you’re alone. This is normal. You’re expanding your own comfort zone so some initial awkwardness is to be expected. Work through this by referring to what you wrote. Practice going over what you’d like a few times, until you’re comfortable.
Take Charge in Bed: The Big Moment
All the prep work in the world won’t prevent some feelings of excitement and even apprehension if this is the first time you’ve spoken openly to your partner about sex. But, like any major change, that sensation of fear can easily become a part of the foreplay.
Don’t put a lot of stress on your partner when you’re talking about it. Instead, keep things light and fun by keeping the focus on what you want rather than comparing it to what you guys are already doing. Make it sound like the adventure it is and you’ll fire up his interest while getting yourself turned on as well.
And speaking of yourself, be sure you’re clear about all the things YOU want to do as well. After all, it definitely takes two to tango. So break the ice by telling him exactly what you want to do and even by introducing small acts in the process. While you’re talking, scoot in closer, lay your hands on high thigh and get physically closer as you describe everything you want to do.
Want to have more fun in bed? Learn to break through your reservations when it comes to talking about sex. For some that means working on verbalizing what they want and for others it’s about jumping in and leading by example. You may even find you’re most comfortable using a mix of each approach. Either way, just remember your partner will find your adventurous spirit to be the best aphrodisiac. After all, there’s nothing sexier than a woman who knows what she wants and who’s willing to really put herself out there in order to get it.