UGH! Those three letters pretty much sum up my last 24 hours. Readers, you may want to grab a glass of wine and have a seat while I fill you in.
I don’t often mention this little tidbit about myself, but I’m a single mom. Yesterday was my son’s birthday and he was with his dad so, it was just kinda a sucky day from the start because of that. I spent the day distracting myself and keeping busy, texting, tweeting, cleaning, running errands, shopping etc… I knew that Mr. Adorable, also a single parent, was not available because he was with his son, so we kept in touch via texting (and let’s be honest-sexting) all weekend. Late yesterday afternoon he text me that he might be dropping his son off a bit early and if so, was I available. I replied yes since I didn’t have any plans and could use the distraction.
About 6:30 he pulls into my driveway to pick me up. We were both exhausted, physically and emotionally from the weekend and planned on staying in, hanging out, relaxing, sex and passing out. We got all the way through to the “and” in that last sentence and that’s where things fell apart. Laying there in bed I could see in his eyes something was bothering him so, I asked “everything ok?” “yeah”..ok well I’m not one to pry so I left it alone even though I could tell everything was not OK. “Just talk to me” he said. So I started talking abut the weekend, asking how his weekend was with his son. “I don’t want to think about that, let’s talk about something else”…umm… ok…. so, I started telling him about my weekend while still seeing that look in his eyes that there was something really bothering him. I had him look me in the eye and I asked one more time “Hey, what’s up? I can tell you’re not OK. You can talk to me” and that’s when he broke down. The only time I’ve ever seen a grown man cry was when The One lost it at his grandfather’s funeral. ” hey..shhh… what’s this all about?” I asked. He chalked it up to missing his son, not being able to spend enough time with him and the fact that his son cries when he has to drop him off. OK, I’m a mom, I TOTALLY get that!! And there we were in his apartment surrounded by his son’s stuff so, I suggested a change of scenery “come one, let’s go for a walk, just get out of here. A change of scenery might make you feel better.” He agreed and we got dressed and headed outside. “I don’t really feel like walking, but can we just go sit down by the Res for a bit.” he said “Absolutely, whatever you want” I replied. We got in the car to drive to the reservoir and as soon as he put the key in the ignition, he lost it… crying uncontrollably. OK this was just weird now! I felt bad for him but clearly something else was bothering him. “I think I should drop you off. And I feel really bad about that, but I really think I should just drop you off” he said to me. I told him that was fine with me and that he probably needed some time alone and that’s fine, I get that. No need to apologize (but he kept saying he was sorry anyway…about 25 more times). ” I really like you and I don’t want you to think it’s just about the sex because it isn’t. I really like you” I told him don’t worry about it, take some time to pull himself together. It’s not a big deal. I asked him if he wanted me to go to a meeting with him (he’s in AA, that’s his big secret) and he said no. He dropped me off, kissed me goodbye and said he’d talk to me in a little while.
So, now I’m home, feeling completely baffled by what has just occurred, feeling helpless and feeling really bad for Mr. Adorable. Sitting in my living room, in my house, alone, my own shit started coming to the surface: I really hate not spending a holiday or a birthday with my kids. It kills me. I mean it is what it is, but it still sucks! Like I said: I’m sitting in my living room, alone, feeling the way I’m feeling about my own shit, Mr. Adorable’s freak out, watching TV and surfing the internet trying to keep my mind occupied. And then I came across something on pinterest that caused a flood of fuckin emotions:
It hit too close to home. That was The One and I to a T! So, of course I had to text it to him! and then a few minutes later I text “sorry, I shouldn’t have sent that.” I KNEW it was wrong and I still did it. He drunk text me back that it’s OK and he understands and that he’s going to bed. I said good night and put my phone down on the couch next to me. 3 minutes later my phone lights up with a text that reads ” I love you”, I lost it as I text him back ” I love you too!!” and then spent the next hour crying. He’s in a relationship, I get that, and as long as he’s happy then I do my best to be happy for him, but that’s really hard to do ever since I saw him a couple weeks ago (that’s a story for another post…stay tuned). But trying to be happy for him doesn’t mean that I have to like it or that it’s easy….because it is anything but fuckin easy!
Just as I was climbing into bed an hour later, still sobbing because I can’t have what I want, I got a text from Mr Adorable:
Him: You up by chance?
Me:I am…what’s up?
Him: Just woke up in a cold sweat…good times!
Me: aww babe, everything ok? bad dream?
Him: No, I don’t know
Me: clearly you are very anxious about something
Him: Ya, I am but I can’t figure out what. Everything’s kind of snowballing..but there’s nothing really wrong…sorry I’m such a mess
Me: Take a breath and just try to think back to when you 1st started to feel like things were out of control. And you never have to apologize for being human. Life is messy.
Him: I don’t know, I can’t pinpoint anything. Trying to keep my mind off things. Ha ha ha..if that makes any sense
Me; I think by trying to keep your mind off whatever is bothering you, that’s causing your anxiety
Him: true. I guess what I mean is I’m trying to find the root of the problem and can’t. Did I wake you?
Me: no you didn’t wake me. My own thoughts are keeping me awake
Him: What’s wrong? Anything in particular?
Me: Lots of stuff, I just can’t shut my brain off
Him: I’m actually a little calmer texting you
Me: awww good
We went back and forth for about another 30 minutes, had a great in depth conversation about different ways we cope with stress and then when we were both feeling better we said goodnight and fell asleep.
This morning he text me good morning and I said good morning back. An hour later I got: ” I’ve been drinking and hiding it… I’m sorry” What? when? For how long? “4 months. My sponsor is coming to get me help” SLAP!!! I was dumbstruck for about an hour trying to process that info. Listen, I get that people have issues and I’m not perfect and not judging, but he sat there on his couch and lied to my face a week ago when he told me he was in AA and has been sober for X amount of time. He LIED TO MY FACE and I can’t move past that. I understand that alcoholism is a selfish disease, but I have to be selfish and think of myself in this situation and I just can’t get past the fact that he lied right to my face!
I swear, with the emotional roller coaster I have been on the past 24 hours, you’d swear I was PMS’ing! It was just one of those crappy 24 hours where anything that can go wrong…does!
I’m over it.. I’m moving on and focusing on the positive. No more sitting, sulking, stuck inside my own head and thoughts. On to new conquests…greener grass…and all that shit. OK…well…I’m working on it.